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On your way to work this morning, did you worry that a meteor might fall into the earth’s atmosphere, destroying all your surroundings and end the lives of yourself and those you care about? You didn’t? Well, that’s bad. Because they’re out there.  If you’re one of those people who simply breezes through life without clenched intenstines, then this article is for you. Worrying, you see, is an art. It is a talent really that many people are not gifted with. However if you’re one of the unfortunate ones, have no fear (or have lots), this skill can be learned. I’m gonna outline the simple rules for you right now, so you can change your life today.

1. Prioritize your time

Did you just go to the doctor and breathe a sigh of relief when all your test results came back good? You probably thought “Whoo, thank goodness. I don’t have to worry about this for another year.” Well, see, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s not that you don’t have to worry for a year. You have a year to worry. Will you spend half the time worried that your bloodwork is normal? Perhaps you’ll spend 3 months wondering if that headache you had 2 days ago was anything bad. It’s best to take a year to wonder, because otherwise you would be procrastinating your worrying and that’s just not responsible.

2. Assume the worst

Ask yourself this: What hurts more–falling from the first step on a ladder, or falling from the top? Fall from the first step, you may be caught a little off-guard. Fall from the top? There’s a trip to the emergency room right there (which is where you should be every day, because you never know if that hangnail could be a deadly bacterial infection or not). The second rule is to keep your hopes and expectations as low as possible, leaving no room for disappointment when you ultimately fail. If you see a small red patch on your skin, assume it’s the symptom of some horrible disease, so you can be pleasantly surprised if the doctor tells you it’s just a scratch. Your parents didn’t answer the phone? It’s probably either because something horrible happened or because they just don’t want to talk to you. Your boyfriend? He probably didn’t answer your text in the first 2 minutes not because he was busy, but because he was thinking about all the other girls in the world. Assume the worst because the only way from there is up.

3. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Ever. Never.

If your friend is running late, he or she likely has no respect for your time. It’s probably best to realize it now, before you continue the friendship anyway. Lash out at him or her, as to protect yourself from naivity. In fact you should probably always just assume everyone you come in contact with is lying to you. If someone shakes your hand and says “Nice to meet you”, ask them why? What’s their agenda? Why is it so “nice” to meet you? Because you should remember that there’s really nothing nice about you (or at best, you may be somewhat nice, but there’s always someone out there better than you). The person who cut you off on the way home from work last night has likely been reading up on you for months, hating you and planning ways to make your life miserable. They are also probably trying to find people out there to join forces. You should just assume that everyone already has. Trust no one, and therefore never get hurt when it comes back to bite you.

4. Think negative

Smiling is for the weak, plus it exposes the fact that your teeth will never be as white as you want them to be. Keep your mouth closed at all times, only unless defending yourself against someone who is likely trying to cause you pain. In fact, you should make it a point to stay inside your home, since the weather is freezing and the outside world is only filled with people who are undoubtedly trying to do you harm. Always remember, it’s better to live in the comfort of your own home than to live life and risk being hurt by the evils of the world.

So, there you have it. The information you need to keep you on edge and anxious throughout the day. Don’t bother trying to relax, just let the anxiety flow through you. Might as well get used to it now instead of believing you can overcome it. (Think negative, remember?)

Disclaimer: This is sarcasm.